Rambler 459

They said there is a fork in the road ahead.   I said “Y.”

Two good, on-line, satirical sites:

The onion caused a Senator to propose selling national parks to reduce the national debt-he thought it to be serious.

http://dailycurrant.com/

http://www.theonion.com/

I have finally figured out why TV announcers say they will see us tomorrow.   The NSA has provided the tools for them to watch us.

It is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.

I didn’t shave today.   I wore camouflage and couldn’t find myself in the mirror.

Our family tree needs sprucing up.

Police in St. Cloud are running down jaywalkers.

Antimatter is being studied in Unalaska, Alaska

News Headlines: (possibly)

Tree house builder branching out

Belt makers buckling down

New rules have exterminators fuming

Rambler 311

My humor must stink. Someone introduced me as pun-gent.



Local coven is having a tryout for hex leaders for national hex competition.


I might be big, but at least I am slow.


I was watching a special on bears on the computer. The “Paws Button” didn’t work.  The hibernation button did.


Putting a new muffler on the car is exhausting.


His talk on fasteners was riveting.


If something is decreased does it become wrinkled?


One airline says bags fly free. I offered the names of some prospects.


When you sign the contract for a purchase at a vineyard, read between the wines.


….”Chestnuts roasting by the fire” will be removed from the song due to the shortage of chestnuts caused by the chestnut tree blight.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chestnut_blight



Last year’s National Procrastinators’ Convention will be in Time, IL, this year. (or next)


News Headlines (possibly):


Carpet sales still unraveling


Local orchestra disbanded


Wreath makers square off


Airlines accused of wait crimes

Rambler 310

The Department of Energy is requiring all words to be reduced by one letter to reduce energy and toner consumption.  (wrd s stil ut n th succes f thi ventur)



I was the coupon cutter for our H.S. Rebate Team.


Ad men will be competing for the “Hype Man Trophy” during the presidential campaign.


At a home in Illinois I replaced the thermostat. When it was time to move, I took the old thermostat and mounted it on the wall of the garage. I have often wondered if someone ever turned up the heat out there, or called a repair man because it wasn’t working.


In preparation for the demise of the one cent piece, J.C. Penney is changing its name to J.C. Quarter.  


The power company is taking its new turbine out for a spin.


Chalk one up for pool player Rick O’Shay.   He came in right on cue.


Chili cooking competition is being held in Tumtum, WA.


News Headlines (possibly):


Studies indicate that ancient navies employed arrow knotical engineers to train their archers


Dire outlook for graveyards


Edgar Allan Poe story being renamed in honor of BP-“The Fall of the House of Gusher”


It’s curtains for the drape industry

Rambler 309

When it comes to self-defense, the Glock is clicking.



Some big cheese at the TV network is bringing back the Muensters.


I have found that the “undo” button on the computer has no effect on life.


The contractor said the mirror the worker broke would not reflect on his performance.


Republicans and Democrats are attempting to meet in the middle in Jackass Flats, VA.


He received a low grade for his physics paper due to a dangling particle.


The new glee club member voiced her opinion.


After an investigation, his falling out of bed was debunked.


While my wife is shopping, I read the writing on the mall.


Winter is not the only time you see flakes in Minnesota.


The results of my training of the retriever were far fetching.


News Headlines (possibly):


Furnace sales heating up


Local dredge company channeling its efforts


Meat cleavers on the chopping block with cutlery company

Rambler 307

The plastic surgeon asked what nose I picked.



On Halloween, we took our kids to the day scare center.


Mystery thriller authors are holding a picnic in Boring, OR. (Why they selected that city I haven’t a clue.)


The plastic surgeon only gave me lip service.  (That was tongue in cheek.)


The place kicker suffered from missile toe.  (Kiss that one goodbye)

I received notice from the Post Office that delivery times might be longer.  The letter was dated last year.


Due to a fluke in budgeting, whales to get Ipods.


There was a man with a large proboscis
With snot that was quite viscous
When he would sneeze
We all would freeze
Hoping the spray would miss us

(proboscis Facetious . the human nose, especially when unusually long or prominent. ) I don’t need any remarks from my son on this topic.


In H.S. P.E., they gave me a flailing grade in swimming. (I had the nickname of Splash Gordon)


Local police now admit they only had a skeleton crew out for Halloween. (Due to a bare bones budget)


Oops! I thought they said caster oil should be taken as a supplement.






News Headlines (possibly):


New regulations have scale makers weighing in


New efforts to find gold not panning out


Police nail tool bandit before he could bolt


Bowling pin makers on strike

Rambler 290

Four out of three people get their statistics wrong.



Does flood insurance cover mortgages that are under water?


Recent problems with contaminated food has changed the words to a famous song to: “ ….where the dead for the cantelope pay….”


I am thinking about attending the local Rent a Sauce Festival.


The local news reported that thistle blowers have said fields will continue to be weed infested until the Agricultural Department cancels recent regulations.


Will the Twin Cities Schools that hired recess instructors now hire hallway traffic directors?


The football player was vaccinated because they said he was a carrier.


Someone was going to give me a tidbit of information. What is a tid?


Cake makers are holding their annual competition in Pie Town, NM. (Brings tiers to my eyes)


There once was a trimmer of trees


Who charged some very high fees


While working at a ranch


He cut the wrong branch


Now he walks on his knees






News Item Headings: (possibly)


Printer toner companies running in the black


Toilet sales in the crapper


Coat makers are testing the new cloaking device

Rambler 277

A new history of the eye industry has been written by Squint Eastwood.

Please extinguish the nocturnal illuminator.  (not to be taken lightly)

For those of  you who enjoy the classics try the website below:

http://www.bartleby.com/

Our country would be better if all elected officials lived by the quote from Abraham Lincoln: “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.   I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”

To maintain my eligibility for events for the retired, I am attending them as a red shirt senior.


Breeders of lab mice and rats are holding a national convention in Eek, Alaska. (Few women expected to attend.)


There was a man working with wires
Trying to twist them with pliers
What began as a spark
Turned into an arc
And he passed many fliers


People sure believe in the right to bare arms. Just look at all the tattoos.


Those ads for gas medicine are sure a toot.


The Department of Energy has mandated that the light at the end of the tunnel is to be shut off to save energy.


Retirement confirms the law of physics: “things at rest remain at rest.”


News Item Headings: (possibly)


New study shows fishing is to men as shopping is to women.


AARP has a new theme song which is a remake of an old one: “Born to be Mild.”


KFC IS STARTING A FREQUENT FRYER CLUB.

Rambler 272

Because of recent events in Washington, DC, members of both parties are meeting in Chicken, Alaska.



A local carpet company requires all new employees to take a random rug test.


Urologists have verified the “trickle down” theory.


At the Professional Boxing Buffet, I got in the punch line.


Have you ever thought about the first name of Sinbad the Sailor?


An old TV series is being redone with a wildlife theme: “The Ducks of Hazard.”


There once was a man from Germany
Who could sing three part harmony
He got out of tune
From eating a prune
And ended with a cacophony


My wife has seen too many Westerns. She keeps saying: “Getum up Paint.”


News Item Headings: (possibly)


According to Standard and Poor’s, the U.S. has joined AA.


Local entomologist’s phone bugged.


Man charged with taking a leek in the produce section of a local supermarket.

Rambler 270

California food company has approved a new line of potsicles.

Do ghosts wear boo genes?


TSA has its procedures down pat.


There once was a man with a hose
Running oxygen to his nose
His wife made a dash
Caused him whiplash
Catching his hose in her toes

The botanist said my fern is suffering from osteosporeosis.

The government sells flood insurance. Who sells voters government insurance? The way things are going (or not going) in DC we need some protection.

Sears has come out with a new line of “Dry Hard” towels.

My cardiologist said he was disheartened by how long it took to find the correct medicine for me. (I think it was me who was disheartened.)

We are forever indebted to our elected officials.

A new line of scented men’s underwear is being introduced:
“Toot of the Fume.”

TSA-The Good Hands (all over) People.

In the News: (possibly)


-Local retailer cited for selling goods made in the U.S.A.

-Area newspaper runs out of bad news.

-Panel sours on approval of a new dairy in the county.

Rambler 267

A man was caught stealing gas from cars parked in a commuter lot. Psychologists think he is suffering from car pool funnel syndrome.


Lapidairy-milk spilled in one’s lap


I finally understand the purpose of occupational therapy after a hospital stay-it is to get you in shape to handle all of the new pills and medications.


When I was at the rehab center I asked if they had a drive through window in the dining room for wheelchairs.


I’ve given up playing hide and seek with my grandchildren. They find me too easily following the oxygen hose.


After listening to the overture, I still wondered who did William Tell?


New research indicates Goldilocks had a drinking problem and the story should have been Goldilocks and the Three Bars.


Is a sleeping bag a napsack?


I asked a cheese maker to show me the whey.


During my hospital stay, the cardiologist said the effects of one medication were disheartening.


There was a man with a large gnu
Which he loaded in his canoe
As he laid on the shore
He began to snore
And the gnu from the canoe bid him adieu


News Item Headings: (possibly)


Sales of mattresses softening.


Local sheet maker folded.

Rambler 261

Is the herder of goats a goat whisperer?

In our neighborhood the trees are so small that we do our raking with tweezers.

Are podiatrists defeetists?

I have asthma and stop at a lot of gasp stations.

Between jobs what does an assassin do, kill time?

California community creates stink by banning deodorant and perfume in city hall. (Opponents are up in arms while aldermen are arms down.)

At our family gathering I offered to sing requests. They asked me to sing: "Far, far, away."

Electronic game players are meeting in Arcade, CA.

There once was a man from Bangor
In a boat with only one oar
He lost many a pound
Going round and round
And never made it to shore

I am so forgetful. I must be taking too much Philips Milk of Amnesia.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Sales of hot air balloons up.

Minnesotans find it easy to chill out.

New fishing reel design creating a backlash. (Cranky customers.)

Rambler 260

For hunting season a group bought large, loud, firecrackers with the intent to set them off and cause deer to die of heart attacks.
They had competition to see who could get the largest buck for the bang.

While sound cannot travel in a vacuum, certain elected officials' comments confirm that a sound can emanate from a vacuum.

One company is in the process of closing 200 Borders. Why can't our government close one?

Even in the arid Middle East a little Bahrain must fall.

Wireless phone executives are meeting in Signal Hill, CA.

There was a man in space
Traveling at a very fast pace
When he returned
He soon learned
That his age wasn't apace

I joined a wine tasting book club. You read between the wines. The first book: "The Wrath of Grapes."

Is fertilizer for corn considered an earing aid?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Apple futures drop.

Bobber company floating a loan. (They're hoping not to go under.)

Competition between stove makers heating up.

Rambler 258

Based upon some of the stupid remarks made by Congresswoman Bachman I wonder if  she is in the Witless Protection Program.

A movie documenting bubble wrap is opening: " Merry Poppins."

The defense minister for a medieval king found ducks to put in the moat that would quack immediately if someone approached giving his troops an early warning.
The king asked the minister to provide his other castles with quick quacker moats.

The redesign of the guillotine is coming to a head.

New cheerleaders are attending training in What Cheer, IA.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried his lunch in a bucket
The day was hot
Causing the food to rot
And making him upchuckit

A new casket line is supposed to have better back support.  (Don't take this one lying down.)

I used to have flying down pat. Now I have a pat down to fly.

Nashville-Al Gore recently had to dig out from under 6" of global warming.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Citrus drink makers squeezed for profits.

New broom design has competitors bristling.

New kitchen mixer creating a stir.

Rambler 257

I heard an ad for "graduated pearls." I thought only fish had schools.

After lifting my wife's purse, I am convinced it has a basement.

A local income tax software developer has been arrested by the IRS for selling weapons of mass deductions.

The author of "Valet of the Dolls" is signing books in Butler, IN.

There once was a man with a pain
He claimed it was from a sprain
But upon review of the facts
The story had some cracks
The sprain must have been in his brain

Some more Ian Fleming manuscripts have been found with the character of Jane Blond.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Feather sales down.

Safe companies looking for new combinations of products.

Potato chip makers are feeling the profit crunch after dip in sales.

Rambler 256

The food vendor at the Notre Dame football stadium was known for its world class box lunches.
The owner bought a closed church in South Bend and converted it to a restaurant and installed a drive through window to handle orders for the famous lunch. A door bell was installed by the window to have lunches brought to the window.
A local paper gave it coverage: "at local church, bell rings for the lunch pack of Notre Dame."

Congresswoman Michelle Bachman wants to cut benefits for the Veterans. If that's the case the government should stop creating veterans.

If he's "fast asleep", how much faster is he when he is awake?

Newspaper editors are meeting in Magazine, AR.

If something is "top notch" it concerns me. A notch on a gun used to indicate a person killed.

Because of all my body parts failing, I keep expecting to be recalled.

Fossils of a super, salt water, millipede have been found and are being documented in the book: "20,000 legs under the sea."

My limerick writer took a week off-suffering from rhymes disease.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Electrical workers revolt.

Tree growers pining for new markets.

Las Vegas says sales of chips are down.

Rambler 250

Most puns are home groan.

Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch pail of water? Isn't water usually found at the bottom of the hill?

Is acid reflux considered recycling?

Illumination should not be taken lightly.

I had my Blackberry hooked up to my Apple on Blueberry Hill listening to "Strawberry Fields Forever" on Blu-Ray.

Recently it began to snow
When it stopped I do not know
I didn't go a mile
When I was stuck in a pile
And had to call a wrecker for a tow

Since the two parties have trouble crossing the aisles, why don't we remove the aisles?

Is a church poet considered a bard of pray?

NYSE Bulls are meeting in Bear, DE, to discuss stock market trends.

He wrote the score of the opera. Who won?

In the News: (possibly)

Railroad tie makers hoping for spikes in sales.

Boomerangs making a comeback.

Carpet companies floored by sales drop.

Chances of rain dropping.

Rambler 245

My high school shop teacher told me I'm mechanically declined.

Pretzel sales are experiencing a twist.

Nance Pelosi's predecessor was Amelia Earmark.

I tried shadow boxing, but couldn't get the box closed quickly enough.

Passing gas becomes louder as we grow older. Is this hardening of the farteries?

There was a man seeing sights
Ignoring all the traffic lights
Through a crossroad
He quickly rode
And was administered last rites

lambasted-sheep baked like a turkey

Robin Hood's plastic surgeon was Friar "Tuck."

Remainders of the McCoy Clan are meeting in Hatfield, MA.

In the news: (possibly)

Scale companies are taking a pounding

Rubber band capacities stretched

Twin Cities applying an "open dome" policy

Rambler 242

I didn't get good grades in school. I was saving for a brainy day.

I was invited to the Dodge Ball. What do I wear?

I was fired from the washing machine assembly line. They claimed the assembly line for the new front loader didn't need an agitator.

lexicon-person who uses words to fool you (politician?)

Why can't I be a nonconformist like everyone else?

The Doctor asked if my nose was running. I said: "it's snot."

Kidney bean producers are holding a picnic in Lima, MT. Blue Gas Music will be played.

There was a man using a spade
Admiring the large hole he'd made
He fell into the hole
Landed on a pole
And in his hole he was laid

For those of you looking for a new recipe, try attached web site.
http://www.recipesource.com/


Minnesota has experienced close encounters of the frost kind.

It appears the new post office stamp prices will stick.

News Items: (possibly)

Local hospital cutting surgical staff.

Couch prices padded

Balloon sales inflated

Diarrhea runs in families according to a new study

Rambler 239

bedlam-the sheep you count at bed time

I have learned that abscess makes the fart grow stronger.

Psychologists claim that baseball managers have a spit personality.

Football-the Seahawks and Eagles are combining. They will be called the Seagles.

Silver traders are meeting in Golden City, MO.

He loved to use his phone
Always changing the ring tone
He took a call
While in the mall
And found the phone that called was his own

Car body repair companies are having a bang up year.

Our Congressmen believe in going whole hog on their bills.

The impersonator was charged because he had exceeded the statute of imitations. (But he could stop on a mime.)

In the news: (possibly)

Antiperspirant sales are drying up

Low sales have potato chip company ruffled and dipping into reserves

Shaving cream companies are facing off

A local bottler is known for his can "Dew" attitude

Rambler 238

I'm not sure about pork futures but I sure see a lot of pork bellies in D.C.

Are toys that resemble the sounds of passing gas considered Stinker Toys?

After the accident, he had a wrecker pick up his Honda Accordion.

I worked in a flatware factory as the fork tuner. (I didn't collect over tine.)

Dead battery collectors are meeting in Jumpertown, MS.

There once was a man with a Wii
Who put his golf ball on the tee
He started to swing
While the phone did ring
And he missed the ball we see

Psychiatrists are split on multiple personality disorders.

The carpenter installing the new bar asked for a screwdriver.

When I was younger and someone asked what was on my mind, I would reply "hair." Now I reply "nothing."

Mosquitoes in Minnesota are so big that I took one for a pest flight.

Is a karate kick considered missile toe?

In the news: (possibly)

Ice cream seems to be going through a double dip recession

Ruler sales are not measuring up

Parachute sales are dropping

Local gun shop rifled