Rambler

Rambler 327

2012-02-15T03:00:00.000-08:00

Inpolitics the last 3 years have been a game of “pin the tale on the elephant.”

Localsculptor accuses foundry of forging ahead.

SirDancelot was King Arthur’s social manager.

A candymaker in New England created a stringy new form. It became known as A Yankee Noodle Candy.

There was a man swinging a fist

In a very heavy mist

With others he was mad

Himself instead he had

With his broken nose added to his list

Numerousshrubs and flowers in the neighborhood were knocked down during the early evening. Residents believe they were visited by thedim leaper.

Lunesta, sleep medicine, lists one of its sideeffects as death. I guess thatqualifies as sleep.

The spa took my breadth away.

The Firefighters Museum is being constructed inPyro, OH. (Leaders of the effort claimthe old site will not hold a match to the new one.)

OSHA is reducing the decibels allowed for tornadossirens. They claim there is a loss ofhearing danger at current levels.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Prospects of new streetlights dim

Crane makers backing the “big boom” theory

Rambler 326

2012-02-13T03:00:00.000-08:00

NormCosby, the comedian who intentionally misused words, was one of myfavorites. I hope to pick up the torchand immolate him. (courtesy of abrother)

A localsteak house was experiencing growing fame. Business increased so much that theyhad to install a new grill above theexisting one.

The lastI heard, they were on the lookout for high steaks pokers.

There was a man who liked noodles

He ate various types in oodles.

He had to gag

And asked for a bag

When told the meat was poodles (he didn’t ask for a doggy bag)

During January in Minnesota, we have Ice Krispiesfor breakfast.

Splintmakers are bracing for a drop in sales.

Some ofthe particles in the atom smashers are not colliding. Now they are building a recyclotron toensure these particles are not wasted.

Quakers are holding a revival in Oatmeal, TX. (Speeches will be limited to three minutes)

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Newcaskets to have easy opening design (for a quick escape)

Laddercompanies stepping up production

Rambler 325

2012-02-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

Humorousitems come when you least expectorate them.

When itcomes to politicians’ speeches and facts, there should be a “Truth in BendingLaw.”

Flameboyant-oilburning on the water’s surface

This year’s Millionaire Convention is in Tightwad, MO. (Take a tip and don't attend)

An oldclassic has been reissued under the title: “Pilgrim’s Impasse.” It claims to cover today’s government.

Does theHubble Telescope have contract lenses?

IHOP restaurant managers are convening in FrogJump, TN-trying to get a leg up on the competition.

There was a man from Argentina

Who loved to play his concertina

But he played at night

With neighbors did fight

Until he was served a subpoena

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Groupsays the redesign of arrows is pointless

Newcaskets will have picture windows for watching grass roots operations

Rambler 324

2012-02-06T03:00:00.000-08:00

A localman riled up a sailor and was arrested by police. The charge- aggravated a “salt.”

Domembers of the air force get frequent flyer miles?

The newBates Caskets come with a life-time guarantee.

ThePolitically Correct Police claim holidays sounds too similar to holy days andwill be changed to offdays.

Theyinterviewed the stowic baggage handler.

He had aself-effacing way of shaving.

to rub out, erase, or obliterate (outlines, traces, inscriptions,etc.).

I wonderif elected officials would consider a silent auction for their services in lieuof PAC contributions.

Tea growers are holding a convention inCoffeeville, KS. (They claim it will bean eye opener.)

A man replacing a fence was having difficulty getting one of theold stakes out.

He took apart an old fan from a farm windmill and used thecomponents to leverage the piece out.

A neighbor asked about the piece of wood with all of the metalparts around it.

He replied: “it’s a fan pried stake.”

There was a man who enjoyed a laugh

Always at someone else’s gaffe

His approach was dashed

As something crashed

It was he who dropped the carafe

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

The worldended yesterday

Interestin cruise ships sinking

Sausageslinked to cancer (Is this the missing link?)

Rambler 323

2012-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

The speech about methane was scentilating.

The Halloween Society has named its official fruit:booberries.

Because of the world ending on December 21^stof this year, next year’s calendars may be a little late. Instead of a leap year it may be a skip year.

Political advertisers are holding seminars in MuckCity, AL.

Wal Mart is eliminating its greeters. That’s a fine “how do you do.” (I always wondered-do what?)

In both Houses of Congress the right hands “no”what the left hands are doing. (And vice versa)

Ads for Lunesta, a sleep medicine, list death as apossible side effect. I guess thatqualifies as sleep.

When I was in the hospital last year, they said Iwas in “death’s bed. “ I asked for a newbed.

At the VAMC eye clinic they said they takewalk-ins. Since I was in a wheel chairI asked if they take roll-ins.

Thelonger you carry a grudge, the heavier it gets.

To me, a “grass roots operation” always implied lookingat grass from the wrong side. (Seeing the roots is a dead giveaway.)

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Newastronomy course has a 5 star rating (If enough students don't show up, we will be writing an orbituary for this one.)

Interest in mountain climbing peaking

Rambler 322

2012-01-30T03:00:00.000-08:00

In thewar between the circuses combatants went directly for the juggler.

Chemystery-theinability to understand science

A displayof old clothes irons showed one in which you put lit charcoal. Makes you wonder if the old saying “too many irons in thefire” shouldn’t have been “too many fires in the iron.”

If yougive yourself Botox shots are you self taut?

I want toget certified for concealed carry but I have COPD and some places are problemsgetting into.

I calledthe local firing range to see if they have a drive by window.

There’s alot of talk about Romney’s net worth as a candidate. I think I would rather have a candidate whois a millionaire before taking office than all those who have become millionairesafter taking office.

In thebattle between David and Goliath, David won because he had to sling for hissupper.

The speaker at the dog show was not asked to speakagain. He used too many 4 litter words.

Tom Brady fans are holding their annual conventionin Joe, Montana.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Future ofballoons up in the air

Boomerangsmaking a comeback (brand selection a tossup)

Rambler 321

2012-01-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

A manfrom the area was very fond of dips and chips. In fact, he became addicted.

He is nowin search of the sauce patch. (say last two quickly)

In an exclusive neighborhood, people were mowingtheir lawns on Saturdays and Sundays. This created a lot of noise and caused the neighborhood association tocreate a rule for not mowing either day.

They made one exception for the 80 year oldoriginal owner of the subdivision.

He was the last of the mow weekends

BatesCasket Co. is offering the option of a high efficiency TV with a retractingsolar collector (for mowing at the cemetery) on its new caskets.

Whenwitches are writing spells, do they use a lexicon or a hexicon?

After the Tylenol poisoning many years ago, tamperproof packages were instituted. I thinkthey have gone beyond tamper proof and child proof to people proof.

I am attempting to contact ET’s. I have signed up on Spacebook.

You can tell you are getting old when your favoriteafter dinner drink is Metamucil.

If itain’t broken-take it apart to find out why.

I liftedmy wife’s purse. Do purses havebasements?

He was adrill sergeant in the Dental Corps.

TheOlympic Hockey Team is insured by All Skate, the “good feet” people.

Wart removers are holding seminars in Toad Town,CA.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Serviceproblem at an area restaurant blamed on dish and tarry (say the last 3 quicklyeven if it is “sick”)

Localpodiatrist knows all the ankles

Rambler 320

2012-01-23T03:00:00.000-08:00

Thedocumentary on outdoor furniture is soon to be released: “Something Wicker This Way Comes.”

At my ageI am fifty percent successful in following the adage: “forgive and forget.” I forgot which part.

Why doesthe word “dumbfounded” call to mind the two houses of Congress?

The localraptor center is being featured in the next: “America’s Got Talon.”

The localCarnivores Club is having a meat swap this week.

Recliners designers are meeting in Erect, NC.

There once was a man from Maine

Who planned a trip to Spain

He always wondered

When it thundered

If the rain fell only in the plain

A localman was kicked out of his church for roughing the pastor.

Anostrich farmer noticed one egg from each batch of one hundred was so strong itcould be used to make a hand bag.

He neededto find out which hen was laying the super strength shell so he could breedsome more.

He is nowlooking for the purse hatcher.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Bobbercompanies going under

Tapemeasure sales inching upwards (metric certainly wouldn’t work for that one)

Vegetariansturning over a new leaf (after a recent dressing down)

Rambler 319

2012-01-18T03:12:00.000-08:00

We watchsome of the debates to see a lackbluster performance.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. In China, a shortage of Apples kept eggs on the way.

Lapidariesfrom the area are forming a Hard Rock Group.

Lapidary: the art of cutting, polishing, and engraving precious stones.

When wewalked our dog over to the neighbor’s yard she got hit by a greyhound buss.

Recentlydiscovered document indicates it was Einstein’s “Theory of relatives’ levity.”

Is thegrafting of branches from one fruit tree onto another considered artificial instemination?

If theworld ends Dec. 21^st will students to use “snow days or sickdays?”

Congress is in session in Squabbletown, CA.

There was a man fishing from shore

Trying to catch an albacore

He had a bite

His line went tight

T’was a shark and he was seen nevermore

I wastaken on a snipe hunt in my teens. Nowit’s a Skype hunt.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Smokeshops air their gripes

“EmbarrassingMoments” series running out of gaffes

Probabilityexperts at odds

Rambler 318

2012-01-16T03:09:00.000-08:00

TheInternal Revenue Service is considering taxed messaging.

If Iexpound on something, does that mean I’ve gone metric?

In the news: "One Life to Live" died.

An arearestaurant has encountered problems with someone putting ice in breakfastdishes when people weren’t looking.

The ownerand his staff are on the lookout for a cereal chiller.

TheNational Weight Loss Association says membership is thinning.

France-newrabbit hootches are being designed as a breadth of French Hare.

Capone historians are meeting in Scarface, CA. (I’m sure someone will find fault with thelocation.)

There once was a collector of soap

Whether in a box or on a rope

His pipes were weak

They sprung a leak

With a houseful of suds he must cope (tothe tune of “slip sliding away)

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Congressgrills restaurant officials (they are expected to hash out their differences)

Proctologistsin arrears on billing

Diamondcutter accuse of being facetious

Dealing with Chronic Disease or Pain

2012-01-13T03:00:00.000-08:00

Early 2011, I was in the hospital and physicalrehab a number of times fighting 3 different issues at the same time (there wasno discount from the hospital for multiples). Included in the rehab package was a visit by a psychologist.

He suggested as part of the treatment that I lookup Norman Cousins who gained notoriety in the 1970’s and 1980’s for hisapproach to treating his pain and chronic illness. His solutions included supplements, but thekey item was humor.

The 1989 “Journal of Medicine” included an articleconfirming the benefits of humor for the quality of life and the suppression ofpain. This is mentioned in the last paragraph on thiswebsite:

http://www.humor-laughter.com/Norman-Cousins-laughter.html

One of the books he wrote is: “The Healing Power ofHumor.” There were about 3-4 othersrelated to dealing with illness and the mind for chronic pain and illness. If you look them up on Amazon you will findmost rated in the 4-5 star range (maximum is 5). (I have no financial involvement in Amazon orCousins although I do have some cousins)

The following is from Wikipedia:

Cousins received the AlbertSchweitzer Prize in 1990. He died of heart failure on November 30, 1990, in Los Angeles, California, having survived years longer than hisdoctors predicted: 10 years after his first heart attack, 26 years after hiscollagen illness, and 36 years after his doctors first diagnosed his heartdisease.^[7]

The whole article can be found at the web sitebelow:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Cousins

These are offered as possible help to those whomight need it.

The psychologist said my writing of a humor blogwas a good way to cope with my C.O.P.D. Hedidn’t rate the humor because he didn’t want to inflict more pain.

The recommendations above are in addition to the use of medicine and religion as major parts of the regimen.

Steve

Rambler 317

2012-01-11T03:00:00.000-08:00

Note: Friday will have a post about humor and pain/illness. (Not talking about the pain my humor inflicts at times)

The PCPolice are requiring Disney to rename the movie: “Snow White and the 7 HeightImpaired.” (The Jolly Green Giant is their next target)

A localwoman who was active in scrap booking went to the Doctor with a severerash. The diagnosis was glue closeintolerance.

The local hospital was conducting an open house andused Bic chalk marks of various colors on the floors to direct people to theappropriate areas.

One person asked at the information desk where theMRI area was. She was told: “follow theyellow Bic chalk.”

I used to say we have the best politicians money could buy. I was wrong.

The manwith the flatulence problem went by a nom de fume.

Abusedword: Noun1.nom de plume- an author's pseudonym

There was a man on a trip

Known for his nasty lip

He stopped for directions

And because of his inflections

Ended up on a cargo ship

A newawards ceremony is being considered for those actors and musicians who didn’treceive an award in any of the other 50 award ceremonies. This was mandated by the government because those with no awards might suffer from a loss of self esteem.

Afterreading about the Congressmen who become millionaires while in office it wouldappear they go through multiple skim grafts during their tenure. Or is it treatments of buytox?

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Maskfactory getting a face lift

Trampolinesales bouncing back

Mattresscompanies planning spring lay-aways (or was it lay-aways in the spring?)

Rambler 316

2012-01-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

A new TVreality series on plastic surgery is airing: “Scar Wars.”

He diedof an overdose of spices. It was ruledan herbicide.

How doyou get “turf toe” on artificial turf? Is it an artificial injury?

I sureglad to hear people “comfortable in their skin.” A complete skin graft would be expensive.

The GOPPrimary reminds me of the old Keystone Cops Cartoons where they are climbing aladder and keep pulling down the one above them.

I have apsychokinetic memory. I can move thingsaround in memory where I can’t find them.

There was a man on a pogo stick

Ripe apples he was trying to pick

He hit some bumps

And now has lumps

In the mud his head did stick

He’s soinept that he misdeals in Solitaire.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Housingstarts going through roof

Contamination of the experimentthought to be the blight at the end of the funnel

Origamifactory folding

Rambler 315

2012-01-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

The raindeer Blitzen is moonlighting (and daylighting) in football. He seems to be on every defensive team.

Ifsomething is started is it deceased?

I went tothe neighbors’ pool party for a cheese dip.

Neighborsasked me to come over to play games, but I had to take a Wii.

I amhaving trouble with my balance and need to see a gyropractor.

A newseries about silent killers is airing: “Criminal Mimes.”

At thelocal restaurant I ordered an open mouth sandwich.

The Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Festival isbeing held in Seven Devils, NC. (It issaid they are up to no good.)

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

Localclinic is giving a tootorial on flatulence (past attendees said it’s a gas-aregular tootenany)

Welldrilling is being reviewed from the top down

Newstudy reveals the Pied Piper liked cake

Coffin design changed for those with back problems

New layaway program for beds this spring

Rambler 314

2012-01-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

We boughta watch dog-a Clocker Spaniel.

Becauseof the pain in his legs, he became a down pill skier.

If the world doesn't end on December 21st of this year, will there be a Maya culpa?

His doctoral thesis research left him with no tome unspurned.

TheDepartment of Energy is recommending a day to commemorate all of the forms offuel: coal, natural gas, methane, peat….. The day will be known as April Fuels Day. (We are definitely the fools. The DoE was created 30 years ago to rid us ofdependence on foreign fuel. Today ourdependence is higher than ever and this Dept. costs $24 billion a year. Mightbe a good place to start (finish) to begin reducing spending.)

The Beano Sales Convention will be in Beans CornerBingo, ME, (expected to last afartnight) It will be accompanied by blue gas music.

How doesthe Medicare doughnut hole work for hemorrhoids?

Itappears that the pork game in Washington has been replaced by the game ofchicken.

Clothesfrom the washer had holes. I asked mywife if she used Rip Tide.

NewsHeadlines (possibly):

MasochistClub hurting for membership (and is getting no help from the Sadist Club)

Universityastronomy curriculum being redesigned from the ground up

Sales atLand’s End fell off a cliff

Rambler 313

2011-12-28T03:31:00.000-08:00

I went into the local IHOP and ordered rabbit.

I am so paranoid that I don’t use a mirror.

Why are they called milk shakes when they are actually stirred?

A local bowling alley has found bowling balls with holes in them and plastic sawdust on the floor. They think this was caused by bowl weevils.

OSHA now requires speed bumps on all ski slopes.

At a recent basketball game, players were seen falling to the floor. It was caused by another player passing gas. The offender was called for a fragrant foul.

The schizophrenic bought the AT&T phone plan because he could talk to the rest of his group for free.

A new book about Washington has been published: “Malice in Plunderland.”

We used to talk about the horn o’plenty; now traffic provides plenty of horn.

If something is delayed, has it been picked up?

The Plastic Surgeons annual get together will be in Big Ugly, WV.

News Headlines (possibly):

The art competition ended up in a draw

New gallows has improved hang time (has a drop down menu)

Rambler 312

2011-12-26T03:29:00.000-08:00

I went to the Dr. for a job inner view.

A new species of duck has been discovered in Wisconsin and it has been named the Green Bay Quacker.

How do atheists swear?

We’re having a Native American Meal: “scalped potatoes.”

Now that I’m retired, I find that the “you’ll log” goes year ‘round-not just at Christmas.

The Politically Correct Police have renamed the praying mantis the meditating mantis.

When I played golf, I felt like the Starship Enterprise-going where no man had gone before.

The local coven published its Christmas “witch list.”

The cardiologist said I was suffering from a “Broken hearted malady.”

Cheese cloth doesn’t go well with ham.

I put that horse on my "buck it" list.

Our neighbor said he had a new patio contractor on deck.

The Quaker Cereal Company is conducting seminars in Oatmeal, TX. (Sessions are 3 minutes each)

News Headlines (possibly):

Makers of saddles sore about new laws

New millstone reached by flour makers

Department of Agriculture sending hay farmers bailing out wire

Rambler 311

2011-12-21T03:36:00.000-08:00

My humor must stink. Someone introduced me as pun-gent.

Local coven is having a tryout for hex leaders for national hex competition.

I might be big, but at least I am slow.

I was watching a special on bears on the computer. The “Paws Button” didn’t work. The hibernation button did.

Putting a new muffler on the car is exhausting.

His talk on fasteners was riveting.

If something is decreased does it become wrinkled?

One airline says bags fly free. I offered the names of some prospects.

When you sign the contract for a purchase at a vineyard, read between the wines.

….”Chestnuts roasting by the fire” will be removed from the song due to the shortage of chestnuts caused by the chestnut tree blight.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chestnut_blight

Last year’s National Procrastinators’ Convention will be in Time, IL, this year. (or next)

News Headlines (possibly):

Carpet sales still unraveling

Local orchestra disbanded

Wreath makers square off

Airlines accused of wait crimes

Rambler 310

2011-12-19T03:32:00.000-08:00

The Department of Energy is requiring all words to be reduced by one letter to reduce energy and toner consumption. (wrd s stil ut n th succes f thi ventur)

I was the coupon cutter for our H.S. Rebate Team.

Ad men will be competing for the “Hype Man Trophy” during the presidential campaign.

At a home in Illinois I replaced the thermostat. When it was time to move, I took the old thermostat and mounted it on the wall of the garage. I have often wondered if someone ever turned up the heat out there, or called a repair man because it wasn’t working.

In preparation for the demise of the one cent piece, J.C. Penney is changing its name to J.C. Quarter.

The power company is taking its new turbine out for a spin.

Chalk one up for pool player Rick O’Shay. He came in right on cue.

Chili cooking competition is being held in Tumtum, WA.

News Headlines (possibly):

Studies indicate that ancient navies employed arrow knotical engineers to train their archers

Dire outlook for graveyards

Edgar Allan Poe story being renamed in honor of BP-“The Fall of the House of Gusher”

It’s curtains for the drape industry

Rambler 309

2011-12-14T03:11:00.000-08:00

When it comes to self-defense, the Glock is clicking.

Some big cheese at the TV network is bringing back the Muensters.

I have found that the “undo” button on the computer has no effect on life.

The contractor said the mirror the worker broke would not reflect on his performance.

Republicans and Democrats are attempting to meet in the middle in Jackass Flats, VA.

He received a low grade for his physics paper due to a dangling particle.

The new glee club member voiced her opinion.

After an investigation, his falling out of bed was debunked.

While my wife is shopping, I read the writing on the mall.

Winter is not the only time you see flakes in Minnesota.

The results of my training of the retriever were far fetching.

News Headlines (possibly):

Furnace sales heating up

Local dredge company channeling its efforts

Meat cleavers on the chopping block with cutlery company

Rambler 308

2011-12-12T03:08:00.000-08:00

I took stock of my investments. Can you darn stocks?

King Willhelm of Germany in the 11th century had large land holdings that were rich with game: deer, wild boars, rabbits….

Animals were killed for the royal table and also by the peasants who were allowed to hunt.

After a few years of over hunting, game became scarce-almost extinct in the area.

There was an uprising by the populace that deposed of the king and crowned a new one.

This is the only case in history of a reign cancelled due to game.

Interviews of prospective Santa Clauses will be conducted in Donner and Blitzen River, OR.

Why does the Navy call for “All hands on deck?” Shouldn’t it be all feet?

I called the local provider to have my: internet, TV and phone bungled.

News Headlines (possibly):

Redesign of stoves on the back burner

Newly designed snow blower to be used in both Houses to remove deposits left after politicians’ speeches (Dept. of Energy cites this as a possible renewable energy item)

Rambler 307

2011-12-07T03:21:00.000-08:00

The plastic surgeon asked what nose I picked.

On Halloween, we took our kids to the day scare center.

Mystery thriller authors are holding a picnic in Boring, OR. (Why they selected that city I haven’t a clue.)

The plastic surgeon only gave me lip service. (That was tongue in cheek.)

The place kicker suffered from missile toe. (Kiss that one goodbye)

I received notice from the Post Office that delivery times might be longer. The letter was dated last year.

Due to a fluke in budgeting, whales to get Ipods.

There was a man with a large proboscis
With snot that was quite viscous
When he would sneeze
We all would freeze
Hoping the spray would miss us

(proboscis Facetious . the human nose, especially when unusually long or prominent. ) I don’t need any remarks from my son on this topic.

In H.S. P.E., they gave me a flailing grade in swimming. (I had the nickname of Splash Gordon)

Local police now admit they only had a skeleton crew out for Halloween. (Due to a bare bones budget)

Oops! I thought they said caster oil should be taken as a supplement.

News Headlines (possibly):

New regulations have scale makers weighing in

New efforts to find gold not panning out

Police nail tool bandit before he could bolt

Bowling pin makers on strike

Rambler 306

2011-12-05T03:18:00.000-08:00

In college, I took a course on speed reading. People today of course read speeding.

I was trying to drink a beer but couldn’t catch it because of all the hops.

Circumspeckt-the inspection of a small part of the circumference.

College football players not currently playing are convening in Red Shirt, SD.

There was a man who liked a riddle
Solving while playing his fiddle
He couldn’t resolve
Why he couldn’t solve
He always started in the middle

The University of Wisconsin is putting in a plug for its solution to farts.

Francis Bacon did not like pork.

Recently in the Twin Cities a patient fell off the operation table and died. I won’t be quite as concerned now about dropped calls.

If alcohol is denatured is it artificial?

When it comes to candy I think outside the Brachs.

News Headlines (possibly):

Local fishermen polled

Polka dot fabric maker looking for advertising spots

Lariat makers roped into price reductions

Rambler 305

2011-11-30T02:43:00.000-08:00

I was intent on buying new camping equipment.

When I saw the color, I almost dyed.

Are meteorites considered rock stars?

Stairoids-blood vessels in the legs irritated by stair climbing.

Sponge Bob Square Pants Fans are gathering in Square Butt, MT.

There was a college place kicker
Known also as a nose picker
To the tee he goes
Finger in his nose
Causing the crowd to snicker

We went to a Japanese Restaurant. The chef lost control of his knife demonstration and we ended up with finger food.

Divorces are like a marry go round.

The hospital said that a local lightning victim was discharged.

I had to have some new teeth put in. Based on the prices I’ll have to find a denture capitalist.

News Headlines (possibly):

Sod growers over run by grass shoppers

Profit outlook at Wrigley glum

Bandage makers’ profits a lost gauze

Escaped horses considered unstable

Decline in liquor profits sobering

Rambler 304

2011-11-28T02:39:00.000-08:00

I went on my first horse ride and kept looking for the bruise control.

I was going to switch pens, but what’s the point?

Circumvent-passing gas in a manner that results in someone else being blamed

Notre Dame officials have a hunch their bell ringer will be back.

When they bought the dip, I chipped in.

After his fall from the horse, he was derided.

Between meetings, we sandwiched in a stop at Subway.

The Odd Fellows Annual Convention will be in Peculiar, MO. (It is on an even day this year!)

There was a collector of shoes
Not always buying them in twos
He was often shod
In pairs that were odd
Including two different blues

I am on a low residue, high calorie, diet that includes only cooked vegetables and fruit. When asked, the Dr. said potato chips qualified as a cooked vegetable.

Related to the diet-I often attend dinners where they serve nixed vegetables.

News Headlines (possibly):

New weed killing company looking for seed money

Jewelry company drawing a bead on a takeover

Local shoppers malled

Drive through customers not given a fair shake

Rambler 303

2011-11-23T02:53:00.000-08:00

I saw a mouse while my wife was gone. I had to call Stanly Screamer.

A local, down to earth, pilot was fired for having a bad altitude.

Hand cleaner producers are meeting in Bird-in-Hand, PA.

There was a man writing rhyme
Using various words sublime
He had the wrong lexicon
His train of thought was gone
And he didn’t recover in time

I have been taking antidepressants due to medical problems earlier in the year. I talked to the Dr. about stopping them and he said to wean off of them. I thought they would give me a prescription for depressants.
After I stop taking them am I a weanie or a weanor?

News Headlines (possibly):

Charges against Math Teacher multiply (but neighbors are divided since evidence doesn't add up)

Ratings of cakes mixed

Forecasts on globe sales making the rounds

Manufacturers of scales weighing in on new designs

Rambler 302

2011-11-21T02:51:00.000-08:00

The lumberjack tried to put a new spin on his falling off in the log rolling competition.

She was an unsung member of the choir.

He turned in his pistol with a disarming smile.

When I see chips and dip I become a crave man.

I was asked for a picture to pose
After putting on my oxygen hose
I gave a snort
And came up short
The hose was caught in my toes

When it came to playing pool he was cueless.

The chef said he would take no cracks about the dropped eggs.

A chainsaw contest is scheduled for Bad Axe, MO. (Townsfolk are on edge)

Why are they called The Three Musketeers when they use swords? What’s the point(s)?

News Headlines (possibly):

Ski jump sales are on the down slope

Date sales in the pits

English Teacher sentenced (There will be a period of incarceration)

Rambler 301

2011-11-16T02:50:00.000-08:00

The economy is so bad that fishing guides are offering rebaits.

I found that church is not the place to attempt “The Wave.”

A local butcher has been found guilty of splitting hares.

Reese Witherspoon was spotted in Grand Forks, ND.

While studying for the final exam, I felt like I was in concentration cramp.

After our successful duck hunting trip we had cheese and quackers.

TSA has implemented a new procedure to check for under wear bombs-the wedgie.

New fish finders are able to track specific species however bass were found to be too deep for the original design.
The company says the latest design will let them get down to bass tracks.

NASA revealed that some of its astronauts have been moonlighting.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Economy has guitar makers fretting

Minnow farmer found seine

Explosive sales growth projected for dynamite.

Rambler 300

2011-11-14T02:46:00.000-08:00

Now that Halloween is over the post office will be posting a new set of most haunted posters.

It sure is frustrating when you forget the password to your microwave.

Political speeches remind me of that Shakespeare play: “Much do do about nothing.”

With three generations of fishermen in our family, we have strong family flies.

In the 1960’s we worried about ICBM’s. Now that we are in our 60’s, we just worry about the BM’s.

He was derided for falling off the horse.

Mystery writers are meeting in Enigma, GA. (I am not sure why)

The SPCA says it is taking up the case of battered fish.

Exstatic-someone well grounded

Do celebrities use make-up artists when they have a tiff?

I have been picking up road kill to increase my take home prey.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Crematorium urnings up in smoke

Trampoline profits bouncing back

Upholstery profits recovering in spite of increase of tacks increase

Veterans’ Day Special Posting

2011-11-11T02:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who served in whatever role you served. Consider this posting my thanks. Special thanks to the three mentioned in this post.

This is also a comment on renewing connections with military friends from the past.

This posting involves someone with whom I reconnected after 40+ years and someone who took the time to reconnect with me after about the same period. I cherish both.

The 1st part is sharing the paragraph below with a friend (Curtis Harvey), who retired after many years in the Army and who was a number of times in harm’s way, followed by the cited paragraph and the comments of Curtis in a response which I think so eloquently covers the issues:

We have discussed how those in the military can reconnect where they left off after many years. Those without a military background don't understand. Our contact is one of those instances.

A classmate and friend from WP reconnected two years ago after 40+ years. I believe his opening paragraph (hastily written and informal email) is the epitome of reconnecting: listing goals, ambitions, and the reality of war in just a few lines. He died about a week ago.

This is in memory of Robert E. Gates, Jr. December 18, 1943-October 30, 2011

West Point Class of 1965 (My thanks to Susan Gates for allowing this)

Yo~

Oh, where to start? You know, 45 years makes for a lot of catching up to do. I think you and I have been following some similar trails, to some extent. You mentioned the disparity between the teachings at WP and the real world. I, too, had a problem with "the real world". But I guess I should fill you in a bit. After graduation, airborne and ranger school, went to the 82d at Ft. Bragg. Was in seventh heaven. By the following July-August we started receiving replacements, mostly from the173d. My God, these were the world's finest troopers. Here I was, a 2nd Lt. and in charge, but they were my mentors. By September I had called Chudoba (he was always the gullible one), and we volunteered for RVN. I, of course, picked the 173d. Dumb shit 'Boda wound up with the 25th somehow. October-Jan 17, 1967 I has back in heaven. Leading the finest light cavalry in the world. I could tell you how, at the age of six, I had decided on my career, but that would be another story altogether. January 17, 1967. Got my ass shot off. In more ways than one. Took a bullet in my gut, and then a grenade exploded up my rear. All this while chasing down a bunch of gooks who had ambushed us on the right side of the trail we were on. I had made it a point to constantly think "what if" as we were moving along various bits of terrain, so the ambush wasn't a total surprise. Immediately called on the first two squads to lay down a base of fire while I took the third squad around to the right. We then laid down fire and rapidly advanced. Before I knew what I was doing, we had overrun two of their positions and were advancing on a third when I got shot. About the same time I saw a grenade flying through the air. Couldn't think of anything intelligent to do except outrun it. Almost did. Blew up behind me and sentshrapnel into my abdomen. End part one. Part two is for the totally defiant, as you seemed to mention.

Note: the wounds mentioned resulted in 9 months in hospitals for surgery and rehab. Once he recovered he went on a 2nd tour which was cut short. He was retired for medical reasons-the result of the after effects of the wounds. He went on to have a successful life in spite of constant pain and PTSD which was due to the haunting memories of lost men and friends.

Thanks for sharing this with me. There is indeed a bond between warriors that the uninitiated will never understand. Warriors go where they are asked to go and do whatever is asked of them, regardless of the danger. They count on those warriors with whom they serve to also do the right thing at the right time, and they know that their fellow warriors will be there and do their duty.

It is more than a football or other athletic team. Sure, sports teams want to do their part and they want to win for their individual and collective glory. If they lose, golly that was tough. We let each other down at a critical point of the game. Perhaps some of our teammates received injuries during the contest, but they'll be back.

With warriors, it is a life or death situation. No amount of Monday morning quarterbacking can bring back lost lives. A nation is counting on their warriors to keep them safe from potential oppressors. Losing is not an option! Warriors do everything they can do to keep from losing, right down to the last breath. While there is camaraderie among warriors as there is among sports team players, the willingness to disregard all the rules and descend to the most basic survival traits when necessary differentiate the two.

Warriors have seen how far from civilization a man can descend when he is in a place where his enemy is doing everything he can do to kill him, 24 hours a day. Sometimes they pause and think, "My God, am I the same man who is a member of an orderly and polite society, where disputes are settled in non-violent ways, and where life is precious?"

Curtis Harvey

Author’s Note:

If you are thinking of reconnecting, do so.

Rambler 299

2011-11-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

Now that I am retired I have found that I can get 72 hours out of a 24 hour deodorant.

Honolulu-a new study indicates that hula dancers live on the outskirts of town.

I am going to buy a houseboat to avoid an underwater mortgage.

Naked City, IN, reports a drop in clothing sales.

My neighbors asked about removing the barriers between our lots and I went on the defencive.

Recent studies indicate the declining populations in cannibals’ neighborhoods has them dining out more. (Buth they are paying an arm and a leg)

Rubik’s cube is cutting corners to improve profits and will soon make the Rubik’s Sphere.

At the Psychologists Party mixed nuts were served.

How did the farmer get in the Dell?

In some marriages a wedding is a once in a wife time experience.

Should I buy country cured ham if I live in the city?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Railroad earnings back on track

Bobsled sales down the chute

Film profits go negative

Trash hauling profits in the dumps

Rambler 298

2011-11-07T03:52:00.000-08:00

Now that presidential campaign ads are running, I have placed TV’s on the front and back lawns to help fertilize. (I put on some of 5' snow flags up so I will be able to find them.)

Mary had a little Ram, its lease as white as snow.

Wherever the Ram went Mary was sure to go.

College tuition rates are a soar subject.

There was a man from Rome
Who decided to write a tome
It had so many pages
That writing it took ages
He ended up dying in his home

My speech at the butter company’s sales meeting was so good that I received many pats on the back.

Now that I bought a horse I can schedule a bridle shower. (If it reins it will be indoors.)

Making adobe bricks results in a ground baking ceremony.

A scrambled egg contest is taking place in Two Egg, CA. (May not pan out)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Trapeze customers left hanging

Whipped cream sales taking a beating

Gauze companies keeping earnings under wraps

Oyster customers get a raw deal

Rambler 297

2011-11-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

Was there ever a largepox?

Are the tie down posts on a pier Knots Landing?

At the knife sharpening convention there was never a dull moment. (Theme song "Hone on the Range.")

If an extraterrestial landed in the middle of the U.S. would he/she be considered illegal since no borders were crossed?

They have come up with a new cheer for government: “Who do we depreciate.”

Mary had a little Ram-she couldn’t afford the full sized version.

This year’s Mr. America competition is being held in Wimp, CA.

There was a man quite snide
Who everyone would deride
He made an error
And was in terror
Because he did himself deride

There is a new design of envelopes that is creating quite a flap.

balderdash-normally between the ages of 40 and 50 when hair begins departing at a faster rate

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Circus tent owners being kept posted (Pollsters are canvasing the neighborhood)

Competition among gravy companies thickens

New whisk design stirs controversy

Local search for gold not panning out

Rambler 296

2011-10-31T03:34:00.000-07:00

I tried fly fishing, but the zipper kept tangling with my line.

I was co-captain of our H.S. two man toboggan team.

I went to see a medium. I was charged extra because they only had a large.

Hickory dickery dock.

Two mice ran up the clock.

But neither could tell time.

Minnesota is releasing some wasps to kill the ash borer. Every time I hear of something like this I wonder if it will be as successful as kudzu was in preventing erosion. (Those who live in or have driven through the South East will understand.)

Our politicians will never suffer from hypermentalation.

Chicken Farmers are holding a seminar in Turkey Scratch, AR.

There once was a masseuse

With demeanor quite obtuse

When on a job

She acted a snob

Her service is no longer in use

Watching the news I have come to the conclusion that many reporters march to the beat of a different dumber.

Ice cream cones are experiencing a double dip recession.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Local cement company solidifies growth plans

Makers of discus and shot put circles squaring off

Board game makers have checkered past

Rambler 295

2011-10-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

Why do they give two minute warnings at the end of each half of a football game? Based on what coaches and players make they should be able to buy watches.

Continuation of the above question: if it's a two minute warning, why does it take 15 minutes to complete?

The math teacher said his days were numbered.

I’ve been in your shoes; I have sore feet.

Upholsterers are getting down to brass tacks.

Turkey farmers are convening in Rooster, AR. (Beef ranchers claim fowl)

There once was a famous singer

Hit by a honey bee’s stinger

He lost his poise

And was singing noise

So he received a critic’s zinger

There’s been too much football on TV. Clouds in MN are doing a pump flake before passing.

In my recent blood test I got an A+.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Bomb makers target new customers

Bread factories ban loafers

Boat makers give stern warning

New stretcher designs littered with failures

Rambler 294

2011-10-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

I asked the Dr. about fish oil. Can I go synthetic?

Why so fish die from oil but fish oil is supposed to be good for humans?

I use a nebulizer (small air pump) for certain breathing medications to improve air flow. Politicians use nebulousers to impair ear flow.

The clerk in the golf shop gave me a funny look when I asked for a tea bag.

Do sopranos have oral high gene?

The Post Office, on its list of closings, cancelled Stamp, AR.

There once was a silversmith revered

Who cried out to be heared

Warning of the boats

Full of red coats

As the city of Boston they neared

The design of new restrooms for the airport is stalled.

In rechecking the weather history, historians have said because of the cold he was really Long Johns Silver.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Weatherman predicted sunshine and mist

Sale prices on kites come with strings attached

Submarine sales dive

Mask makers face off

Rambler 293

2011-10-19T03:43:00.000-07:00

UK-There have been reports of rare flowers being cut and taken from the Royal Gardens. They suspect it is more work by Jack the Clipper. (Scotland Garden is investigating)

I went to see a medium but was charged extra. They said I saw a large.

The local Egotists Club didn't elect a president. Each member had one vote.

At the clinic they told me I needed and X-ray. I asked if they had PG.

News from Alaska: two gold prospectors had a meeting of the mines. (It's an either ore proposition.)

He ate so many waffles he was considered an eggomaniac.

There once were kids on pills
Always seeking new thrills
When asked why
They need to be high
They said pill ads the TV time fills

Dermatologists have said to beware of that sun of a beach.

In politics-you have to hand it to them, the left cannot stand what the right is doing.

Far more testing is done of military candidates than elected officials. Is it any wonder why one works and the other doesn’t?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Outreach program for pick pockets to begin (The manager is currently out of pocket)

Bank managers unprincipaled

Balloon price changes up in the air

Book case redesign shelved

Rambler 292

2011-10-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

The Halloween Gala will have the music of Gershwin: “Rhapsody in Boo.”

After you retire, don’t put off ‘till tomorrow what can wait until next month.

The last time I went to a baseball game, I thought I saw a very, very, short person run under the bleachers. On the way home I realized I had witnessed an inside the park gnome run.

Wittischism-offbeat branch of humor (which I try to fulfill)

Martha Stewart worked with the pharmaceutical companies to develop a recipe to help people who have trouble taking pills. The new recipe is called: The Pills Berry Pancake Mix.

There once was an Irish plight

Of which Swift did write

Although satire

It drew much fire

Putting children in danger of a bite

http://www.helium.com/items/307579-literary-analysis-a-modest-proposal-by-jonathan-swift

When I was told I needed a new hairbrush I bristled. (Hated to part with the old one)

Can the authority of the FDA be expanded to include elected official recall since their actions/inactions make us sick?

Reading devices are now being provided in Kindlegarten.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Steamroller sales flatten

Ski jump sales are on the down slope

Date sales have a new wrinkle

Explosive sales growth predicted for dynamite

Rambler 291

2011-10-12T03:39:00.000-07:00

Are pet skunks considered ex-stinked?

Broadband-overweight musicians

McDonald's has a Monopoly Game currently. According to the news, so does the FDA. They granted a company sole authority for a medicine after which prices were immediately raised astronomically. Sure is nice to have the government watching out for us.

An electronics chain is adding eating areas and will change its name to Radio Snack.

I couldn’t walk a mile in his shoes, my feet are too big.

Do they Yahoo on Oahu?

Each spring analysts discuss teams on the bubble for playoffs. Last year the cusp runneth over.

The instructions for my new camera don’t show how to change the film.

The city leaders of Minot, ND, are vacationing in Why Not, MS.

There once was a grower of ivy

Whose moves were suddenly quite lively

He was surprised

Once he surmised

That he had planted poison ivy

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Sales projections have guillotine makers on edge

Elastic profits exceeded any stretch of the imagination.

Local plumber plunges to his death

Profits of computer components companies down due to loss of memory

Local taxidermists say they have nothing to hide

Rambler 290

2011-10-10T03:36:00.000-07:00

Four out of three people get their statistics wrong.

Does flood insurance cover mortgages that are under water?

Recent problems with contaminated food has changed the words to a famous song to: “ ….where the dead for the cantelope pay….”

I am thinking about attending the local Rent a Sauce Festival.

The local news reported that thistle blowers have said fields will continue to be weed infested until the Agricultural Department cancels recent regulations.

Will the Twin Cities Schools that hired recess instructors now hire hallway traffic directors?

The football player was vaccinated because they said he was a carrier.

Someone was going to give me a tidbit of information. What is a tid?

Cake makers are holding their annual competition in Pie Town, NM. (Brings tiers to my eyes)

There once was a trimmer of trees

Who charged some very high fees

While working at a ranch

He cut the wrong branch

Now he walks on his knees

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Printer toner companies running in the black

Toilet sales in the crapper

Coat makers are testing the new cloaking device

Rambler 289

2011-10-05T03:34:00.000-07:00

A Minnesota campground owner was recently arrested. He had knowingly allowed a felon to camp there. The owner was charged with Criminal In Tent.

Because of his size and his decision not to run for President, NJ Governer Christie has been designated "The Abdominal No Man."

Karate classes at a local high school are on the chopping block. (Thought you'd get a kick out of that.)

There was a man from Pike’s Peak

A big collector of teak
He had it on display
When bugs came his way
Now from the teak sawdust does leak

Cartographers are holding a seminar in Lost City, WV. (Directions to the site are sketchy)

I saw a repair man with a lot of equipment and asked him what he was doing. He told me he repairs electrical power poles. He said: I’m a pole volter.”

A new restaurant chain is opening that is catering to gun owners-Shooters.

Xbox has come out with a new “Smash Mouse” football game.

The pharmacy down the street has instituted a “Happy Hour”-shots half off.

When I was painting the house I came across some primed numbers.

I have enrolled at Gold’s Gymn. I signed up for the Weakly Special.

The Cardiologists Association has adopted as its theme song one from the 60’s, “Heartaches by the Number.”

Rambler 288

2011-10-03T03:22:00.000-07:00

Recent Republican Debates seem to be raising Cain.

Will Michael Jackson’s former doctor be inducted into The Quacks Museum?

Chiropractors are picnicking in Hurt, VA.

The Asian Carp problem has resulted in the hiring of a specialist, a Carpathinian.

Because of the man’s plight

He was entirely in white

Thinking their host

Might be a ghost

Visitors quickly took flight

The president of GM put in another plug for the Volt.

When asked about new products, the designer of cutting boards replied: “we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

A felon was caught at the local airport trying to board a flight. Police termed it a flee collar.

Texas Native Americans are asked to focus their rain dances on the local area. The rains are hitting the East Coast.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Blue jean companies said to be making design changes on the fly.

Teachers are requiring students to mesmerize multiplication tables.

Eye cosmetics companies are lashing out at new regulations.

Rambler 287

2011-09-28T03:01:00.000-07:00

A new research paper reveals that Mark Twain was granted clemonsy.

Chinese Junk-either a sailing ship or some of the products on store shelves.

A home cleaning company gave us a bid. I asked if they had a duct license.

A fool and his money are not likely.

When I grew up in Freeport, IL, there was a restaurant called: “The Sizzle Shop.” You could actually hear the calories crackling on the grill.

Speaking of calories and government guidelines, new regulations for the number of pieces of toilet tissue per person per day are being drafted.

A local speed reader has left no tome unturned.

Pungent-humorous man with manners

Local police were observed at a restaurant conducting a steak out.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Picture frame makers cutting corners

Local millionaire died April 15. Awaiting taxicology report for cause of debt.

Research engineers are said to be going mano on nano.

He was vice chairman of the prayer group.

Rambler 286

2011-09-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

A city in the area has a planning commission that only approves malls. They said they don’t believe in one shop stopping.

Twin City Schools have added recess instructors (true). I wonder if they have recessive jeans.

Department of Transportation is going to build underground highways to allow the over runs (which are under runs) to offset cost over runs above ground.

Give him enough rope to get it tangled.

Pillfer-capsule for a specific symptom

Historians have downgraded Alexander the Great to Alexander the Above Average.

When weather fronts come through, what happens to their backs?

When our kids visit, they always offer me Pop Starts for breakfast.

The Federal Reserve is holding an employee picnic to improve bonding.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Market erases blackboard company’s profits.

Smuckers’ executives observed at jam session.

Tape makers sticking together to fight new regulations.

The new CEO of the jig saw puzzle company has his work cut out for him.

Blackboard manufacturers chalked up another profitable year.

Rambler 285

2011-09-21T03:33:00.000-07:00

The Titanic Historical Society will have a cocktail party in that small burgh of Neversink, NY. (Bring your own ice.)

They have a new aroma therapy to make people laugh: “Scents of Humor.”

A new TV series will feature job hunters: “American Idle.”

The Dr. said I have fibernostalgia-painful old memories.

Spinster-campaign person responsible for converting unfavorable reports to successes

After the year 2000, did we become New Centurions?

What do 20 year locusts do the other 19 years?

A famous gourmet went to a 5 star restaurant. While eating, he jumped up and left. When asked why he left so suddenly he replied aghast: “Poor yogurt.” (need to say the last 3 words quickly)

There was a man with ailments chronic
Who decided to try a very new tonic
It caused gas
That continued to mass
Until he went supersonic

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The Halloween Team scored a ghoul.

In dancing it takes two to tango; in fishing it takes one to tangle.

Is a crane an overhead projector?

Rambler 284

2011-09-19T03:04:00.000-07:00

Being introduced to an egotist is certainly an I opener.

Twitter is now allowing animals to set up sites. We’ll have a new source of dog tweets.

I used to fly with that humorous airline “Pun American.”

My new walker came with pacing stripes.

The Morse Code final competition will occur in Two-Dot, MT. (They plan to have a hundred yard dash.)

There was a man making rice
That he bought at a very good price
He had a notion
That he saw some motion
And found the rice was actually lice (high in protein)

After listening to the weatherman, I wondered who puts on the cloud cover.

I was thinking that the names of some of today’s singers and groups were way out. But then I remembered Bent Fabric and Acker Bilk from my teens.

Why is it called Labor Day when no one works?

My H.S. coach told me that athlete’s foot did not qualify for a letter.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The patio builder was all decked out at the charity event.

After the tax revisions, one of our few remaining shoe companies is looking at a New Balance.

Knots Berry Farm is branching out. There will now be a Knots Marry Farm (where you can tie the knot.).

Local taxidermists claim they have nothing to hide.

Splint makers are bracing for lower sales.

Railroads on track for record revenues.

Rambler 283

2011-09-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

Slim Fast is holding a convention in Chunky, MS.

The President of the Rotary Club is taking his new car out for a spin.

Dog breeders are trying to CURtail mixed breeds.

The press is like a school of piranhas. Once they smell blood, the topic is torn apart until nothing is left and then it’s on to the next target or victim.

There was a man named Mel Caldwell

Whose mania was ringing a doorbell
One fateful day
With the wires he did play
And the last bell rang for Mel Caldwell

Looking at our loss of wealth, it appears that Congress has inflicted capital punishment on the electorate.

The reporter in the Sahara said his research on the study of the history of liquor has ended up at a sand still.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The economy has wheel makers putting on the brakes and brake makers furloughing some of their “wheels”.

Convicted arsonist is to be inducted into The Hall of Flame. Officials say his record was unmatched but his induction is creating a firestorm.

United Kingdom-The Politically Correct Bureau is renaming the Isle of Mann the Isle of Person.

Rambler 282

2011-09-12T03:15:00.000-07:00

Rick O’Shay announced the National Dodgeball Tournament will be held in Duck, NC. (They are bouncing around ideas about some locations for next year.)

Rip Van Winkle was famous for his “toots.”

How many codfish does it take to get a bottle of cod liver oil?

Are the new electronic bomb sensors scentimeters?

Pedegree-diploma for a podiatrist (wonder who foots the bill)

There was a purveyor of pills
Said to cure all one’s ills
He was quite pensive
About pills so expensive
That heirs should get them in their wills

They have made packages child proof. Now that I am approaching 70, I think they are people proof.

At my age the favorite after dinner drink is Metamucil.

The chef said he only needed 4 herbs to make any gourmet meal. His kitchen became known for its 4 spice boaster.

The government gives us dessert. We get revised stats on the prior quarter better known as fudgedcycles.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

High priced bagel store keeps bagels under lox.

Visine eyes drop in business.

Because of the economy, churches are citing loss of prophets.

The Lions Club is having the Elks and the Moose for supper.

Rambler 281

2011-09-07T03:19:00.000-07:00

I wonder if Congressional Pork includes warthogs.

After seeing mother of pearl I wondered who the father was.

A new restaurant chain has opened that caters to duck hunters: Quacker Barrel.

The Horseradish Competition will be held at Bitter Root, MT.

Kleenex-the censor of adult films

Transfarmation-the change of farm land to subdivisions.

There once was a man of verse
Trying lines adverse
One line great
The other would negate
Leaving the reader the worse

If I repeat an item, just consider it memory laps-going back to the same subject. It’s similar to the vinyl LP’s with scratches, keeps playing it over.

The pending Presidential Election Campaign reminds me of a clothes dryer. We’re about to go through another spin cycle.

My closet is being foreclothed.

I kept hearing about hunker down for the hurricane. Can you hunker up or just hunker?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Fishermen say the sale of sinkers is dropping. (They are split over the sale of shot.)

Because of computer hacking, the manufacturer of toilets said all their R&D efforts are down the drain.

The new surgery center is having a gland opening this weekend.

Rambler 280

2011-09-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

The cooking competition was a thymed event according to Herb (who is engaged to one of the Spice Girls).

The Brewers’ Annual Event will be held in Beer Bottle Crossing, Idaho. (Caps were being passed out.)

Wig Makers gave a “heads up” about a get together in Bald Knob, Illinois. (They parted with a former site.)

The person who invents an electronic filter for political ads will quickly become a billionaire. (The one who does it for medicine ads won’t be far behind.)

It is too bad that our political leaders are selected based on their ability to speak rather than the contents of their mind or character.

There once was a political novice
Who ran for political office
Into his office came a PAC
Contributions in a sack
His protection of them was flawless

It's easy to chill out in Minnesota in the winter time.

Malignorant-so misinformed on a subject that the person almost sounds reasonable.

It's interesting that a baseball pitcher may face charges for lying to Congress while CEO's of tobacco companies who lied about addiction of tobacco and CEO's of utility companies who lied about internet security for their companies are not charged. Guilt is inversely proportional to campaign contributions (bribes).

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Small sailboat owner looking for a sparring partner.

When it came to playing golf, he was a bogeyman.

A new movie is out on knot tying: “The Sheepshank Redemption.”

Feedback

2011-09-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

I would appreciate comments on the blog. If you prefer not to comment, you can still indicate your feelings by checking 1 of the 3 boxes under the post.

Steve

Rambler 279

2011-08-31T02:40:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about brainstorms at my age, but I would settle for a little brain shower now and then.

When it comes to produce, I buy “Fruit of the Loam” at the local Farmers’ Market.

Cannon Falls, MN, has dropped artillery training.

Voters are said to be suffering from Congressional hyperpension.

Studies show that Longfellow was actually quite short. (That was something he ode to his genes.)

The Prince of Wales beached in Bermuda.

Congress is holding a picnic in Jackass Flats, VA.

There once was a man from Flint
Who collected a lot of lint
He made a ball
That filled the hall
His room became a lifelong stint

Hey diddle diddle we’re caught in the middle while we watch our government fiddle. (And our debt jumped over the moon)

When attempting to write humor, I often lose my strain of thought.

We bought a double oven so we could have twice baked potatoes.

I was buying some deodorant. I found Right Guard, but not Left Tackle.

My equipment wasn’t tightened on the horse. I ended up with a saddle soar. (I also found out where the bucking stops.)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Do neurosurgeons get piece of mind?

Study finds tree trimmers are more limber.

Toads found to travel at wart speed.

Rambler 278

2011-08-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

The Annual Plastic Surgeons’ Convention is being held in Scarsdale, NY. (City officials say it will give the city a “lift.”)Dress code-suture self. (just noticed I had used this before, maybe I need a memory lift)

My H.S. track coach said I couldn’t legally be a high jumper because I couldn’t pass the bar.

They recently held a “straw poll” in Iowa. Shouldn’t that have been a “corn poll?” Candidates were trying to capture the ears of voters. (That might lead to stalkers.)

Most of the younger generations would have no knowledge of “Checkpoint Charlie” in Berlin 50 years ago. (Security setup for crossing from East to West was similar attempting to cross the aisles in Congress-except for the fatalities at The Wall.)

TSA announces new thought scanners will be in use at selected airports. (Does not apply to Dulles in DC because thinking does not occur in or around that area.) Anyone caught thinking of: powder, syringes, cutters, shoes, explosives.... will be denied boarding.

Any Congressman or President caught thinking about actually doing what is right for the country will be immediately detained for psychiatric reasons.

I am not sure why they have so many natural gas ads. Most natural gas comes without warning.

I didn’t buy a “pulled pork” sandwich because I only buy a sandwich I can carry. (DC specializes in pushed pork.)

There once was a maker of sauce
Who decided to throw in some moss
The mixture thickened
He was sickened
And ended up with a salad to toss

The Frugal People of America are convening in Tightwad, Missouri. (In case anyone wonders, I use real city names-truth is funnier than fiction.)

The botanist said he always gets up at first blight.

The porta-potty company didn’t believe in a top down organization, they said it should be bottom up.

When they built the pyramids did they choose builders with rock bottom prices?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

New poison ivy medication is being designed from scratch.

Psychiatrists charging for excess baggage

New study by fish specialists indicates the Grouper is actually a loner.

Actual News Heading: (this will require some followup in my blog when I run out of gas on other topics)

It's an outrage! Tiny African country of Malawi set to ban farting. Honestly.

Read more:
http://www.asylum.co.uk/2011/02/04/it-s-an-outrage-tiny-african-country-of-malawi-set-to-ban-farti/#ixzz1WLbWmbnx

Rambler 277

2011-08-24T03:04:00.000-07:00

A new history of the eye industry has been written by Squint Eastwood.

Please extinguish the nocturnal illuminator. (not to be taken lightly)

For those of you who enjoy the classics try the website below:

http://www.bartleby.com/

Our country would be better if all elected officials lived by the quote from Abraham Lincoln: “I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”

To maintain my eligibility for events for the retired, I am attending them as a red shirt senior.

Breeders of lab mice and rats are holding a national convention in Eek, Alaska. (Few women expected to attend.)

There was a man working with wires
Trying to twist them with pliers
What began as a spark
Turned into an arc
And he passed many fliers

People sure believe in the right to bare arms. Just look at all the tattoos.

Those ads for gas medicine are sure a toot.

The Department of Energy has mandated that the light at the end of the tunnel is to be shut off to save energy.

Retirement confirms the law of physics: “things at rest remain at rest.”

News Item Headings: (possibly)

New study shows fishing is to men as shopping is to women.

AARP has a new theme song which is a remake of an old one: “Born to be Mild.”

KFC IS STARTING A FREQUENT FRYER CLUB.

Rambler 276

2011-08-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

I sat on one of those bags that can be frozen repeatedly. I now have a brrrr under my saddle.

A new study of kangaroos indicates their jumping is caused by expelling gas at high pressure. They are going to be reclassified as gas hoppers.

Nudist are holding their annual get together in Naked City, Indiana. Dress will be casual.

There once was a man at the fair
Displaying his prized hare
Competition was called
His hare was bald
Someone had sprayed it with Nair

The CIA has a new department that tunnels under suspected terrorist residences. This will be in their Culvert Operations Dept.

The Catholic Church, because of all the dire predictions for next year, has begun a series of Cataclysm Classes.

The speaker at the Dog Breeders Conference had presented his bona fidos. (bona fides credentials that authenticate a person’s standing or reputation)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The nudist colony is discussing the history and sayings of Yoga Bare.

New electrical engineering magazine plans to keep users wired on current events.

OSHA to issue new safety tips on hunting arrows.

Rambler 275

2011-08-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

Some of my grandchildren read this. There will be times when I am abusing words that I will list the correct word and its definition.

Masogynist-man who rubs women the wrong way (misogynist-woman hater)

Orkin is holding its annual sales meeting in Roachtown, IL.

The exterior of the Department of the Interior building is being resurfaced according to the Department of Labor. (The roof will be covered by TARP)

Rock bands are putting on concerts at Stone Mountain, GA. (There should be some gneiss music)

There once was a man making bread
Who left the recipe unread
It was figured at least
He more than doubled the yeast
Now the kitchen has no room to tread

I recently saw an ad for a hair loss solution. I don’t need a solution; it falls out on its own.

April showers bring mud.

When can I take the training wheels off my motorcycle?

Offices used to have stenographers. Do they now have texters?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The hotel industry is said to have a lot of inn fighting.

Rope industry publishing a book on “How Knot To.”

New study shows USPS would break even if elected officials had to pay for their political mail.

Rambler 274

2011-08-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

A long lost, sad, fable has been found: “The Grimm Weeper.” (Literature lovers say this is a scythe for sore eyes.)

How do so many elected officials become millionaires?

A U.S. sled company is branching out into cookware: “Flexible Fryer.”

There once was a man in Quebec
Who decided to go on a short trek
He was reading a map
That was blown from his lap
And he ended up at Cal Tech

Is a bicycle repairman a spokesman?

The network announced that the series “Dirty Jobs” is being moved to GrimeTime.

New regulations issued by the Department of Agriculture have bamboo growers raising cane. (They also have the giant pandas upset which should lead to some pandering)

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put off for a month.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Superman resigns. He said there is too much red cape from DC.

Pro golfer practicing in the shopping center injures people. Injured are suing for mall practice.

Local undertaker has an impressive body of work.

Rambler 273

2011-08-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

There is a new book out on the history of bubble wrap: “Merry Poppings”.

Jesticulations-hand and arm movements used in the delivery of a joke

A local golf course now imposes a bag fee.

Foreclosure-golf ball landing in the crowd

The sculptor’s son was a chip off the old block.

Osillyscope-electrical device used to rate political speeches.

There once was a man who could croon
Any requested tune
On a local dare
He did prepare
To croon the call of a loon (isn’t that just ducky?)

After using some of the thin, cheaper, toilet paper, I think waxed paper would be better. (thought I would slide that in)

Humidoor-entrance to a sauna

A local medical school is showing new students a movie on the torso: “A Liver Runs Through It.”

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Results of the brain scan of a local man indicates he has a photogenic memory.

The latest events in Washington, DC, indicate that area has reached a high level of AI-Artificial Intelligence.

Rambler 272

2011-08-08T00:22:00.000-07:00

Because of recent events in Washington, DC, members of both parties are meeting in Chicken, Alaska.

A local carpet company requires all new employees to take a random rug test.

Urologists have verified the “trickle down” theory.

At the Professional Boxing Buffet, I got in the punch line.

Have you ever thought about the first name of Sinbad the Sailor?

An old TV series is being redone with a wildlife theme: “The Ducks of Hazard.”

There once was a man from Germany
Who could sing three part harmony
He got out of tune
From eating a prune
And ended with a cacophony

My wife has seen too many Westerns. She keeps saying: “Getum up Paint.”

News Item Headings: (possibly)

According to Standard and Poor’s, the U.S. has joined AA.

Local entomologist’s phone bugged.

Man charged with taking a leek in the produce section of a local supermarket.

Rambler 271

2011-08-03T03:23:00.000-07:00

The Flat Earth Society is trying to round up new members.

A new book is being published on how to make your own clothes. It is by Ernestine Hemmingway: “The Old Woman and the Seam.”

Sign in the library: “The Book Stops Here!”

The old office position of stenographer has been replaced by texter.

The Birth Control Association has seen a decline in membership.

Do unto others before they do it to you.

Looking at the shine on my head, I hope my family has a hairloom for me.

After looking at paintings by Picasso I am glad he wasn’t a poet.

Plastic surgeons are convening in Scarsdale, NY.

There once was a man from Mongolia
Who loved his large magnolia
There was a quake
Which his pot did take
Causing him to switch to a dahlia

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Sales of elastic expanding.

Dynamite sales experiencing explosive growth.

The new CEO of the company making C4 explosives is said to have a short fuse.

Rambler 270

2011-08-01T03:42:00.000-07:00

California food company has approved a new line of potsicles.

Do ghosts wear boo genes?

TSA has its procedures down pat.

There once was a man with a hose
Running oxygen to his nose
His wife made a dash
Caused him whiplash
Catching his hose in her toes

The botanist said my fern is suffering from osteosporeosis.

The government sells flood insurance. Who sells voters government insurance? The way things are going (or not going) in DC we need some protection.

Sears has come out with a new line of “Dry Hard” towels.

My cardiologist said he was disheartened by how long it took to find the correct medicine for me. (I think it was me who was disheartened.)

We are forever indebted to our elected officials.

A new line of scented men’s underwear is being introduced:
“Toot of the Fume.”

TSA-The Good Hands (all over) People.

In the News: (possibly)

-Local retailer cited for selling goods made in the U.S.A.

-Area newspaper runs out of bad news.

-Panel sours on approval of a new dairy in the county.

Rambler 269

2011-07-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

Congressmen are bullemic

Are binoculars considered buyfocals?

The flamingos on the lawn of the turkey farmer were considered the result of fowl play.

Removing wild animals from the fields resulted in a gnu clear reaction.

There was a man lifting weights
Some of them had no mates
He became built
At an odd tilt
And has trouble going through gates

Congressmen who were familiar with the pork game are now playing chicken and they don’t seem to know the rules.

Manufacturers of rope are meeting in Lynchburg, VA. Some plan to hang around for a while.

In the News: (possibly)

Numerology has a number of logic defects.

Transmission companies are shifting gears.

Local lamp company accused of some shady deals.

Branding companies are trying to make their mark.

Stove makers have their wares on display at the local convection center.

Rambler 268

2011-07-25T02:12:00.000-07:00

When I visited the optometrist I asked for a standard eyes test.

Oil spills are a sink or skim proposition.

Local hens are being treated for restless egg syndrome.

Decibels-bells in groups of ten

Ribald-hairless chest

Bald-hard of hairing

AARP has an ad: “date 50+ women.” I had enough challenge just dating one.

When I drink Ensure, I see it is #1 Dr. recommended. I am still looking for the rankings of doctors to see who’s #1.

New landscaping equipment is cutting hedge technology.

There once was a man on “meds”
On various hospital beds
Because of an alarm
He came to no harm
After he took too many “reds”

The old quote has been changed to: “give me liberty or give me debt.”

A prospectus on a new mutual fund for IRA accounts specializing in the purchase of vineyads is named The Grapes of Roth. (If we still have an economy after August)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

New peach canning factory close to fruition.

Bundles of feathers being down sized.

The Duke of Windsor ties the knot.

Rehab-clarification

2011-07-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of readers have commented on my statements about "rehab" saying readers might get the wrong impression.

I had a couple of trips to the hospital to combat: pneumonia, blocked bowel (a Washington, DC, problem currently) and heart arhythmia. At times, I felt like the gopher game where you beat one down and another pops up.

I set new personal records in the following categories: new low oxygen saturation in the blood; weight 142# (kind of light for 6'2" and a large frame); high heart rate, and low blood pressure.

I did not include the record number of different rooms used at the hospital as the problems changed.

After lying in a bed for a couple of weeks at a hospital, one is sent to a nursing home for rehabilitation-rebuilding strength and stamina. (A couple of people have suggested a need for mental rehab.)

After the nursing home there is home care which involves: nurses, therapists and aids for showers coming to the house to provide service.

In summary, my rehab didn't involve drinking or drugs (a few times I considered both).

The new record low in oxygen (which affects the brain) may account for some of my poor humor.

Rambler 267

2011-07-20T03:16:00.000-07:00

A man was caught stealing gas from cars parked in a commuter lot. Psychologists think he is suffering from car pool funnel syndrome.

Lapidairy-milk spilled in one’s lap

I finally understand the purpose of occupational therapy after a hospital stay-it is to get you in shape to handle all of the new pills and medications.

When I was at the rehab center I asked if they had a drive through window in the dining room for wheelchairs.

I’ve given up playing hide and seek with my grandchildren. They find me too easily following the oxygen hose.

After listening to the overture, I still wondered who did William Tell?

New research indicates Goldilocks had a drinking problem and the story should have been Goldilocks and the Three Bars.

Is a sleeping bag a napsack?

I asked a cheese maker to show me the whey.

During my hospital stay, the cardiologist said the effects of one medication were disheartening.

There was a man with a large gnu
Which he loaded in his canoe
As he laid on the shore
He began to snore
And the gnu from the canoe bid him adieu

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Sales of mattresses softening.

Local sheet maker folded.

Rambler 266

2011-07-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

Most puns are "home groan."

The new theme song for campers: "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Bed."

My last hospital stay was a success. Prior to it I took one pill every other day. Now I take 11 pills a day.

Chicken Pot Pie has a different meaning in the state of California.

Our new dishwasher didn't pan out.

A local restaurant found a stewaway hiding in the pantry.

There once was a man with a castle
Whose taxes cost him a passel
He went broke
Under the yoke
And he now works as vassel

While I was in the hospital they changed my room at midnight-moving me to a different ward. As we passed the nurses' station I said: "I can't believe I'm being evicted at midnight."

The National Cheerleaders Convention is being held in Broken Baton, FL.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

The number of CPA's is decreasing.

Loggers are disembarking on a new operation.

Pillows are being down sized.

Rambler 265

2011-07-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

Hamburger makers are holding a swap meat in Frankfurt, Germany.

My hands have so many wrinkles that palm readers charge extra for a session.

My bottle of Mouth Kote (TM) says "dry mouth spray." If it is dry, how can it spray?

If your TV color adjustments are off, do you end up with dill pixels?

foreploy-the pre-election speech given to arouse the voters

When it comes to TV dinners, many are frozen but few are thawed.

There were once two men in a canoe
One in great need of a "loo"
The gas he ripped
The canoe it tipped
He went into the water number two

In West Virginia, coal mining companies are making mole hills out of mountains.

A local boat is being offered in a short sail.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Eggs not all they're cracked up to be.

Baseball season kicked off.

Recent study shows toy top manufacturers are not rotating their stock.

Rambler 264

2011-07-11T03:39:00.000-07:00

The Eagles have published a new theme song for government debt: "The House of the Rising Sum."

After two stays in the hospital this year I have learned to mind my P's and Q's: pees, poops and quotas.

Frankfurter makers are meating in Hamburg, Germany.

The Center for Disease Control has begun publishing its Index of Bleeding Indicators.

At manicurist schools do they get semester cuts?

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

There once was a man from Sartell
Who dug a very deep well
He had a large drink
As he stood on the brink
And into the well he fell

I now have a riser for my toilet stool make it easier to get on and off. Wonder if I will have to put out tsunami warnings.

Is HD TV better? Since implemented, all programs seem to be darker so you cannot see the definition. (Similar to transparency promised before the last presidential election.)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Funeral homes undertaking new marketing strategies.

Private eye school to give sneak preview.

After crunching the numbers, chiropractors are adjusting fees.

Local lawn planters accused of slip sod operations.

Rambler 263

2011-07-06T03:28:00.000-07:00

When it comes to lichen on trees, the bark is worse than the blight.

They must be putting on a dinner at the YMCA. Their ad said something about the availability of Y Fry.

Rodents in populated areas eek out a living.

The American Disabilities Act now requires drivers' tests to be printed in Braille.

There once was a man quite glib
Who could even ad lib
He would miss a chance not
For a great bon mot
Even while wearing a bib

Stan Laurel fans are meeting in Hardy, KY.

During my recent hospital stay they did a CAT Scan of my skull and found nothing.

Halloween occurs once in a boo moon.

She went to the ophthalmologist and complained about not being able to see. After the exam, the Dr. presented the big bangs theory.

He made so much that the IRS sent him a "Many Happy Returns" card.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Landscapers hedging their sales estimates.

Former dieter at large.

Patients and eye doctors not seeing eye to eye.

Rambler 262

2011-07-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

In recent news-for about 3 weeks reporters had grilled weiner.
(Food for thought)

A movie about the famous violinist who played while riding a horse was: "Fiddler on the Hoof."

Geology rocks!

On June 19th, my wife and I celebrated our 92nd wedding anniversary: 46 for her and 46 for me.

Smokey the Bear candidates are being interviewed in Burnsville, MN.

There once was a man who was snide
Who everyone around he would deride
In the end
He had nary a friend
And sat himself beside

Recently, a witch was fined for driving while hexting.

An old nursery rhyme has been modified by the airlines: "fee fly fro from."

On a recent stay in the hospital I required an MRI. Seeing part of the multi-million dollar tunnel held together by clear tape instilled a high degree of confidence.

Republicans and Democrats are holding a combined meeting in Harmony, IN. (Wishful thinking!)

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Psychiatrists see a shrink in business.

Orthopedists have a bone to pick with new study.

Liquor company salesmen in high spirits.

I Am Back!

2011-07-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Since Feb. I have been reviewing various living arrangements: hospital and rehabilitation wards.

Monday and Wednesday will be my first blog posts in some time.

During the stay at one site my blood oxygen saturation level reached a low of 51% (this has meaning to those with COPD or other breathing problems)so it may take a while to get back to bad humor I have inflicted in the past.

Update

2011-04-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have been out of circulation due to illness and recovery.

Within the next couple of weeks, I will resume posting to the blog.

I had to undergo rehab and the smile is almost back.

Rambler 3/2/11

2011-03-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Steve (my dad) asked me to update his blog.
I felt a "normal" note about an abnormal man would be insufficient.
Thus the following:

There once was a man we called dad
Pneumonia is what he had
He spent time in his bed
With an IV he’s fed
When he returns home we will be glad.

He will be back in a couple weeks. He's going to be in rehab to get his strength back after his hospital stay.
-Son of The Rambler

Rambler 261

2011-02-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

Is the herder of goats a goat whisperer?

In our neighborhood the trees are so small that we do our raking with tweezers.

Are podiatrists defeetists?

I have asthma and stop at a lot of gasp stations.

Between jobs what does an assassin do, kill time?

California community creates stink by banning deodorant and perfume in city hall. (Opponents are up in arms while aldermen are arms down.)

At our family gathering I offered to sing requests. They asked me to sing: "Far, far, away."

Electronic game players are meeting in Arcade, CA.

There once was a man from Bangor
In a boat with only one oar
He lost many a pound
Going round and round
And never made it to shore

I am so forgetful. I must be taking too much Philips Milk of Amnesia.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Sales of hot air balloons up.

Minnesotans find it easy to chill out.

New fishing reel design creating a backlash. (Cranky customers.)

Rambler 260

2011-02-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

For hunting season a group bought large, loud, firecrackers with the intent to set them off and cause deer to die of heart attacks.
They had competition to see who could get the largest buck for the bang.

While sound cannot travel in a vacuum, certain elected officials' comments confirm that a sound can emanate from a vacuum.

One company is in the process of closing 200 Borders. Why can't our government close one?

Even in the arid Middle East a little Bahrain must fall.

Wireless phone executives are meeting in Signal Hill, CA.

There was a man in space
Traveling at a very fast pace
When he returned
He soon learned
That his age wasn't apace

I joined a wine tasting book club. You read between the wines. The first book: "The Wrath of Grapes."

Is fertilizer for corn considered an earing aid?

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Apple futures drop.

Bobber company floating a loan. (They're hoping not to go under.)

Competition between stove makers heating up.

Rambler 259

2011-02-16T02:43:00.000-08:00

In high school I was the chalk sharpener for our home room. (I was the point man.)

I was the cue card handler for our pool team. (My nickname was Rick O'Shea)

NYT to publish a list of Republicans not running for the presidency.

The birds found the food imbedded in the ice here in Minnesota to be impeckable.

Anesthesiologists believe there is strength in numbers.

A bird in the hand is messier than two in the bush.

shampoo-damp, noisy, gas release

Corporate buyers are meeting in Selling, OK.

There were once states contiguous
Whose borders were ambiguous
Although shown on maps
Enforcement did lapse
Through border enforcement not vigorous

A new study of coughs has been authored by Iam Phlegming.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

People cooling to concept of global warming.

Sales of split shot sinking.

Hockey season kicking off.

Rambler 258

2011-02-14T02:41:00.000-08:00

Based upon some of the stupid remarks made by Congresswoman Bachman I wonder if she is in the Witless Protection Program.

A movie documenting bubble wrap is opening: " Merry Poppins."

The defense minister for a medieval king found ducks to put in the moat that would quack immediately if someone approached giving his troops an early warning.
The king asked the minister to provide his other castles with quick quacker moats.

The redesign of the guillotine is coming to a head.

New cheerleaders are attending training in What Cheer, IA.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried his lunch in a bucket
The day was hot
Causing the food to rot
And making him upchuckit

A new casket line is supposed to have better back support. (Don't take this one lying down.)

I used to have flying down pat. Now I have a pat down to fly.

Nashville-Al Gore recently had to dig out from under 6" of global warming.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Citrus drink makers squeezed for profits.

New broom design has competitors bristling.

New kitchen mixer creating a stir.

Rambler 257

2011-02-09T03:39:00.000-08:00

I heard an ad for "graduated pearls." I thought only fish had schools.

After lifting my wife's purse, I am convinced it has a basement.

A local income tax software developer has been arrested by the IRS for selling weapons of mass deductions.

The author of "Valet of the Dolls" is signing books in Butler, IN.

There once was a man with a pain
He claimed it was from a sprain
But upon review of the facts
The story had some cracks
The sprain must have been in his brain

Some more Ian Fleming manuscripts have been found with the character of Jane Blond.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Feather sales down.

Safe companies looking for new combinations of products.

Potato chip makers are feeling the profit crunch after dip in sales.

Rambler 256

2011-02-07T03:06:00.000-08:00

The food vendor at the Notre Dame football stadium was known for its world class box lunches.
The owner bought a closed church in South Bend and converted it to a restaurant and installed a drive through window to handle orders for the famous lunch. A door bell was installed by the window to have lunches brought to the window.
A local paper gave it coverage: "at local church, bell rings for the lunch pack of Notre Dame."

Congresswoman Michelle Bachman wants to cut benefits for the Veterans. If that's the case the government should stop creating veterans.

If he's "fast asleep", how much faster is he when he is awake?

Newspaper editors are meeting in Magazine, AR.

If something is "top notch" it concerns me. A notch on a gun used to indicate a person killed.

Because of all my body parts failing, I keep expecting to be recalled.

Fossils of a super, salt water, millipede have been found and are being documented in the book: "20,000 legs under the sea."

My limerick writer took a week off-suffering from rhymes disease.

News Item Headings: (possibly)

Electrical workers revolt.

Tree growers pining for new markets.

Las Vegas says sales of chips are down.

Rambler 255

2011-02-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

Corporate Buyers are meeting in Sells, AZ.

A local private eye is going public with his findings.

The attempted arsonist was unable to get his fires to burn. He has been deemed a pyroquacker.

Wildebeests were taking over the fields in a certain area. The farmers took action to get rid of the animals to protect their crops.
This resulted in a gnu clear reaction from animal protection groups.

2070-college language departments will begin offering cursive writing courses to translate earlier written documents.

Are naughty words precursors?

I went to the dentist and told him the pain was driving me crazy. He said I was bimolar.

There was a driver quite deft
Who only would turn to the left
At a mountain pass
He arrived at an impasse
And is still looking for a cleft

In the News: (Possibly)

Declining profits has shoe companies sole searching.

Archeologists have a bone to pick.

Yeast makers looking for rising profits.

Rambler 254

2011-01-31T03:08:00.000-08:00

Does a Chinese immigrant who becomes a citizen become disoriented?

After the Tucson shooting, both parties promised to be more civil. But think of what the Civil War got us.

Why do they put expiration dates on sour cream? Does sour cream go sour?

There is a help wanted ad at a local university for quantum mechanics.

There was once a man in a plight
After peering at a bright light
He tried to look
At his favorite book
And found he had no sight

Emery stone collectors are having a swap meet in Sharp, AR. (Theme song: "Hone, hone on the range.")

Security companies are alarmed by new government regulations. (That rings a bell.)

As I approach 70, I think I am experiencing mental pause.

A guru on meditation is speaking locally. This begs the questions: "what tips will the yogi bare?"

In the news: (possibly)

Gun scope makers set sights on higher profits.

A number of religions qualify as non prophet.

Crepe makers expect flat sales.

Rambler 253

2011-01-26T03:55:00.000-08:00

Fire ant exterminators are holding a seminar in Red Hill, CA.

It was nice to see the two parties comangling at the State of the Union Speech.

There once was a collector of signs
From highways to underground mines
On the hill he was atop
He failed to stop
And he is now faced with fines

He became a color commentator for a dye company.

CD sellers are shattering old records. (Corrected after input by a reader.)

Economists say the sales of mousetraps have snapped back.

Local officials have promised a crack down on defective toilet seats.

A local camera company has been shuttered.

In the News: (possibly)

Study of retail sales indicates most batteries are charged.

Barbers' profit forecast trimmed.

Loser of scrabble contest at a loss for words.

Wig sales are topping projections.

Trampoline sales expected to bounce back.

Rambler 252

2011-01-24T05:38:00.001-08:00

There was a news item about Congressmen sleeping in the building rather than renting apartments in DC. This offers possibilities of opening a bed and breakfast or possibly some Congressmen having the time to read the contents of the bills being passed.

The doctor sent me in for a brain scan and said they found nothing.

A "Fire and Brimstone" sermon will be given at the local convection center.

There once was a grower of grass
Who always operated with class
This fell apart
When he left a fart
And found that it had mass

The Lunar Eclipse Society is meeting in Sun City, CA.

In the News: (possibly)

Local church hopes tithing pledge cards are used by many so few are called.

Toner companies running in the black.

Psychiatric patients say they won't take it lying down.

Concerns about fertilizer profits growing.

Did you ever notice that shampoo containers list extract of cucumber or extract of bamboo? They never say it adds anything to the effectiveness. How about ear wax from a koala bear?

Rambler 251

2011-01-19T03:33:00.000-08:00

A pharmaceutical company developed a new salve for eyes that solved most issues.
They are now worried about eyes' cream clones.

I got my ham radio tuned in and was ex static.

I bought an airplane ticket
But a seat I couldn't pick it
For what used to be free
There is now a big fee
I may even need to pay to pee

Beano Executives are meeting in Blue Hills, CT, to plan next year's strategy.

I needed some deodarant and considered Right Guard, but couldn't find anything for the other arm.

In the News: (possibly)

Sod growers expect turf war.

New beer ads on tap.

New caskets guaranteed for life.

Elephant crushes Trainer found crushed in elephant's trunk. (This is partially true.)

Down to earth astronaut has bike accident. (actual)

Because of incorrect data on signs of the Zodiac and the need to adjust dates, all horoscopes for the past ten years have been recalled. An exchange will be worked out.

A local tree trimming company will be opening branch offices.

Rambler 250

2011-01-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

Most puns are home groan.

Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch pail of water? Isn't water usually found at the bottom of the hill?

Is acid reflux considered recycling?

Illumination should not be taken lightly.

I had my Blackberry hooked up to my Apple on Blueberry Hill listening to "Strawberry Fields Forever" on Blu-Ray.

Recently it began to snow
When it stopped I do not know
I didn't go a mile
When I was stuck in a pile
And had to call a wrecker for a tow

Since the two parties have trouble crossing the aisles, why don't we remove the aisles?

Is a church poet considered a bard of pray?

NYSE Bulls are meeting in Bear, DE, to discuss stock market trends.

He wrote the score of the opera. Who won?

In the News: (possibly)

Railroad tie makers hoping for spikes in sales.

Boomerangs making a comeback.

Carpet companies floored by sales drop.

Chances of rain dropping.

Rambler 249

2011-01-12T03:38:00.000-08:00

As kids we played with Play-Doh made by a toy company. As adults we're playing with play dough printed by the government.

All the blackbirds that died recently were on their way home from the crow bar.

There was a man with a suitcase
Who decided to enter a race
But strength he lacked
For the weight that was packed
He ended in last place (but he did anchor the relay)

Procrastinators are holding their annual get together in Early, IA, a day late.

With all that barking next door they must have a pair of large mouthed Bassets.

Dentists are gathering in Chicago on the Magnificent Smile.

U. of Minnesota's new football coach is Kill. In the chain of command, who is over Kill?

I arrived late at the restaurant and asked for something to eat.
They brought out steak bones and said I would have to settle for T-bone pickins.

In The News: (possibly)

Local bread maker only allows employees to wear loafers.

Local fashion guru says ties are in style-knot.

Minnesota weathermen getting the drift of snow forecasts.

Sesame Street, to push poetry, has added Big Bard.

Rambler 248

2011-01-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

I sat down to redesign the arrow, but what's the point?

oxymoron-Congresswoman Michelle Bachman recently being named to the "Intelligence Committee".

I wonder what triggered the closing of the Roy Rogers Museum.

maileable-can be sent through the post office

Thousands of blackbirds dropped out of the sky recently. They were returning home from the crowbar.

A woman was looking at the moon
While overhead flew a loon
Something did drop
Making a large plop
Causing her soon to swoon

Dike, IA, is enacting a new tax levee on its citizens.

It's the time of the year for New Year's resolutions. My wife sat down to look at the "you'll log."

I may be big, but at least I'm slow.l

For Christmas presents I bought some used Halloween merchandise at boo book prices.

Following the NFL crackdown, The Commerce Department is banning head to head competition between businesses.

In The News: (possibly)

Toilet paper companies hoping something sticks to the bottom line.

The Cuban Crisis may have been the missing blink.

Rambler 247

2011-01-05T02:31:00.000-08:00

In pro football, why do they call them "free safeties" at the wages they are earning?

The American Dental Association will be putting teeth in its bylaws.

There once was a man driving fast
Just about every car he passed
He looked to the side
And saw a grin quite snide
His ban from driving for a year will last

People with tunnel vision are meeting in Cave City, KY, to look for the light.

Educators are telling parents to get toddlers to think outside the blocks.

Hearing aids-portable personal stereo

California strikes again. The Random Act of Culture planned for a mall in Sacramento was announced beforehand. So many people showed up the mall nearly collapsed and is now permanently damaged because of overloading. It has been declared a disaster area. And this is the Capital of California!

Volcanic eruptions cause depression.

Recycled concrete is not all it's cracked up to be.

In the news:(possibly)

Drugstores are seeing a run on diarrhea medicine

Telescope sales are looking up

Falling sales alarm clock makers